Ch-Ch-Ch Changes

So as Google has made changes to its Blogger feature, it has become more difficult for me to post updates regularly as I can no longer post or make changes through their mobile app anymore. Which is where almost all of my photos for this blog, and ability to write when the moment strikes me, come from. Because of this I am moving the blog to Wordpress, beginning later this week I will be uploading the first post on Wordpress for this blog. I will also keep the posts that are on here for as long as I can, but will eventually move all of the older ones to the new site to keep everything in one place.

So keep an eye out for the brand new site and fresh look later this week!

Happy Halloween!

Happy Halloween every one! I hope you enjoy a safe and wicked holiday! Personally one of my favorites.

Moving on to Better Things

As many of you know, after a lot of thought and prayer my husband and I decided that we needed to move out of California. It had been something on our minds for a while now, but we never really seriously thought about pursing that move. It wasn't until our vacation in July that we came to the conclusion that moving out of California was something we felt led to do as soon as we could. Then the dilemma became deicing on what state, or even country, to move to. After a couple of weeks we narrowed it down to three states: Texas, Washington, or Colorado. Texas ultimately won out in the end.

One of the main reasons we picked Texas was because one of the bigger well known Churches that our current Church is connected with, is out there. Number one on our list was needing to know that there would be a good and highly rated Church that we could connect to that held the same beliefs and values that we do. Secondly, we needed to be in a state that had great schools and a lower crime rate than Orange County/Los Angeles which is where we are currently established. Right now, the only areas that we can afford to live in have terrible schools. I mean terrible as in they are below a 5 pt rating on the 1-10 scale and have horrible reputations. So horrible that we would ultimately need to place our future kids in a private school of some kind.  We also are planning on adopting soon after we buy our first home, which means that we will need plenty of space and we will need to pay off all of our personal debt in order to have the funds to begin the adoption. Currently we are faced with either buying a home or placing all of our beloved pets in different homes and renting in a different area in order to afford adoption.

Now I say placing our pets in different homes because currently, there are little to no homes that are for rent that are allowing pets of any kind. Saying goodbye to our pets is not an option for either one of us. They are members of our family and we would not get rid of anyone in our family just because we wanted to live somewhere else. When we looked at possible places to rent in Texas, we discovered most if not all the places accept pets of all sizes and kinds. They were also okay with multiple pets in many cases as well. That was a hugs plus for us.

Lastly, we needed to live somewhere that did not have such long and horrific commutes like we do now. As of right now, it takes me two hours to get to work and about two to two and a half hours to get home. And that's on a good day. Thankfully I work part time now so it's not as much of a strain as it was when I worked full time. For my husband, if he doesn't have a carpool buddy it takes him almost the same amount of time. If we had any kids right now, my husband would only see our kid on the weekends because he would be gone before they woke up and be home by the time they were in bed. This was not okay for either of us. He has coworkers who actually have that situation currently at home, he also sees how it negatively effects them emotionally and physically.  He himself does not want to be put through that. He wants to be able to have dinner with his kids during the week and to be able to build an actual relationship with them. To not just be another Dad that is a 'weekends only' parent.

After thinking through all of these things and having visited each state we were considering, we realized that Texas was the state for us. So, Lord willing, we will be moved out to the Fort Worth/Dallas area by summer 2017. We never thought that we would ever be truly saying goodbye to California and be moving to a different state, but God is funny like that. Like it says in Proverbs, we may put a plan together or think that we have all of our next steps figured out, but God has a better and bigger plan in store for us than we can imagine. We know that by submitting to His plan for us, that we will finally be able to add a child to our home and to have a much better quality of life than we will be able to here in California. It will be difficult to part with our family and to not have the ability to just stop by whenever we feel like it, but ultimately we know we will be able to adjust and find our new normal.

To Our Future Child

One of the things that I decided to do in order to keep my spirits up is to begin a journal that I could one day give to out future child when they are old enough to read. I have heard so many women begin something similar to their future husbands when they begin dating, or even little notes to their fiance to be opened during their first year of marriage. That's when it popped into my head, 'why don't I do the same, but to our future child as a keepsake?' I mainly wanted to begin the journal so that they would be able to see the rough journey we went through just to meet and love them. That they would be able to be reminded over the years just how loved and wanted they were before we even met them. Just how God loves and wants us before we were even placed in our Mother's womb.

I wanted to make it even more of point to do so after we determined that God is leading us to have children through adoption. Through my school years I knew a handful of kids who were adopted, some as a baby, some as children by other family members, some who had adopted parents, and of course some who lived in foster homes at the time. For the most part many of those kids I knew felt completely loved, and couldn't imagine their lives without those who stepped up to the plate to raise them. But then there were a few others who were adopted who didn't feel loved at all, not by their family or by fellow classmates. They always felt out of place and like they didn't belong. This wasn't a complete surprise to me growing up, manly because the city I grew up in did not have many families that had adopted children. Infertility and adoption was still a complete taboo back then, which was funny since we had an actual orphanage in town at the time. Some of the kids from that orphanage even went to my school.

 Knowing this past experience I started to think about our future child, would they have those feelings of being unloved and out of place too? Since we are planning on adopting an older child, what we weren't able to bond with them correctly? What if they ended up just hating us or not feeling connected to us at all? What if...what if...what if...insert mini panic attack here. We haven't even begun the adoption process and I was already starting to freak out. I knew I had to do something proactive to curb the anxiety and stress of it all. That's when I decided to begin the journal.

I don't write in it every day, but just at major points that would convey just how loved and wanted they are. To show that we fought tooth and nail to have them placed in our lives, to share our love and hearts with them.

Why We Decided to Try Holistic Treatments

When we decided to try a basic IUI treatment, we had no idea just how many injections that it was going to entail. You can imagine my surprise when I received the instructions from the doctor and noticed that there were going to be several injections as well as pills. Not exactly the best news for some one who has a phobia of medical needles. My fear only grew when I went to the pharmacy to pick up the medications and saw just how large AND long the needles were. I swear I just about passed out when the poor pharmacist gave me the needles, I even laughed and said, 'this must be for some one else, right?'. Sadly, it was not a mistake and they were all for me. I went home trying to wrap my head around the fact that I was going to have to somehow muster up the strength (mentally and physically) to go through with both injections at home.

The pills were easy enough to take, but it was the crazy symptoms they commonly caused that had me worried. I was at a new job where no one knew me that well just yet and also wouldn't know that I might have mood swings that were not a reflection of my normal personality. I also have a track record of being allergic to new medications, naturally I was worried that I would randomly be allergic to one of these new pills. Because of that possibility I decided to tell my new boss so that if heaven forbid it happened at work, they would know what was going on. Thankfully, I didn't develop any allergies to the medications.


When it came time for my husband to give me the first two injections all hell broke lose, at least mentally for me. Obviously I knew that later that night my husband would be giving me the injections, so I tried to prepare myself mentally for it all day. I prayed, I even tried to watch videos of people getting injections during lunch to try and desensitize myself a little bit. When I got home I tried to tell myself that I was ready for this and that it would be worth it if I got pregnant. I felt confident and ready for the injection. Boy was I enormously wrong about that. The whole day I kept envisioning the needle, I would tell myself it's just the small needle. How bad could it hurt? When my husband brought everything out I noticed that the small thin needles were not the ones he was holding, but instead the massive and long needles. I went into instant freakout mode.

I literally smacked his hand away and almost knocked them right out of his grip. I even checked the instructions because I though surely he was mistaken and had the wrong ones. Nope, they were the correct needles. After about 30 minutes of crying while having a panic attack, my husband made the executive decision to just do the injections quick and while I was completely distracted. Part of me was thankful that he decided to think quick and just do it so I had no time to think or process what was going on. The other half of me was going to murder him in his sleep for doing something like that. Mainly because the needles were so big and long that I could feel every second of it in me and it hurt like hell. The third injection I convinced the doctor to give to me during my appointment, because otherwise I was going to have to give it to myself at work. And we all know how the first to went at home, that was not going to happen at work.

As most of you know we did not have success with the IUI, I didn't even remotely have the slightest of pregnancy symptoms. AF came right on time and with no complications. After all of that craziness and realizing that my fear of medical needles was still alive and well, we decided to instead focus on holistic or natural treatments instead. We also decided to focus on looking for adoption agencies and what we need to do in order to prepare for that journey. We also decided that in continuing to move up to more powerful medications for treatments, which would include more injections, would only cause more stress for both of us. Which would only continue to reduce the chances of us getting pregnant. The statistics the doctor gave us for chances of success for IVF was still incredibly low for us. After a lot of prayer we decided to not go through expensive western treatments, but to instead go the more natural route. Even if it meant we would never have any children of our own.

Making this decision also helped us to begin looking more seriously into adoption and preparing for that journey. But it also meant that we didn't have to worry about spending large sums of money all at once on the treatments. Spending all of that money would effectively make us go bankrupt. We still do not have a little one of our own yet, but I can safely say that our mental and physical health are much better after coming to that conclusion.

Trying to Stay Positive

For whatever reason, this past month has been just plain difficult for me both emotionally and physically. I thought I was beginning to return to normal in the sense that I was able to be around babies without instantly tearing up. I also thought that the unexplained chronic pain I have was beginning to taper off and was finally under control. Apparently I was wrong on both accounts. Being in a job where you are constantly interacting with the public and with individuals of all ages means that you become numb to certain things in order to do your job. I was really hoping that being forced to being around families with babies would help me to become happy around babies again. Before we were officially diagnosed with infertility I loved being around babies. I loved everything about them, and just seeing their adorable faces could turn my day around. That was part of the reason why I decided to become a full time nanny.

Now whenever I am in the same space as a baby I have to fight hard to choke back tears of complete sadness. It's a constant reminder of the fact that we will likely never have a baby or child of our own. This isn't to say that I dislike kids or babies and that I never want to be around them period, I still love children of all ages. And I am still trying to hold on to the microscopic shred of hope that I will be able to bear children someday. It just means that right now in this point of time I have a really difficult time continuing to separate the thoughts of "that should have been us" or "why are we still childless" from being around a baby. There have been times where I've been incredibly grateful for the fact that I have to wear sunglasses most of the time at work because then the visitors and my colleagues aren't able to see the tears beginning to slip out of my eyes.

To make matters worse, my chronic pain that once was thought to be endometriosis has come back with full force. It was manageable for a few months now which made me hopeful that I finally had it under control. Apparently I was wrong. The 'phantom pains', as the doctor calls it, have also returned on the side where one of my ovaries is missing. Sometimes the pain just shows up suddenly like a sharp knife is being thrust into my side and abdomen. The doctors still have no idea what or why I keep getting these pains, which is why they continue to diagnose them as chronic or phantom pains. I'm also thankful that I have doctors who understand that I only speak up about being in pain when it's at its absolute worst. They know that I don't exaggerate what I'm feeling.

In an effort to refocus and re-energize myself I started to practice yoga again. With the new job and work schedule I accidentally let yoga slip out of my routine. I also started to journal again, for me writing down my thoughts and prayers has always been incredibly therapeutic. I'm hoping that adding these two things back into my daily routine will help me mentally process everything in a positive way.

Life

Normally I don't do life updates as posts, but so many exciting changes have been going on. After much prayer and contemplation my husband and I decided that it was time for me to look for a new job. The current one I was in was just not working out, I was so unhappy and it was creating to much stress. I also needed a full time job to help us save up money to buy a house later this year and to pay for the adoption shortly after. It was such a difficult decision, but I really felt like God was leading me to begin a new journey. Boy was I glad I listened to Him and his prompting because little did I know that He had a much better plan in store for me. 

After searching for a few months and talking to several people from the museum I was currently at, I realized that in order to move into the position I ultimately wanted I needed to add a lot more to resume which was going to be difficult. So I began looking for internships and landed one at a small gallery. It wasn't where I ultimately wanted to be, but it was s start. That's when I had the opportunity to interview at my dream museum, I wasn't even convinced that they would hire me after the interviews. Even though both interview went well, I still didn't want to get my hopes up just in case I didn't get the position. All I could do was pray that God would help me get the position and wait to hear from the museum. 

After a couple of weeks of not hearing from the museum I just assumed that I didn't get the position. Just when I began to give up all hope, they called. I was officially offered a full time position and a pay increase at the museum. 'Praise God!'  Was all I could think. Not only do I have the opportunity to work at a museum I've only dreamed about, I also was able to have full time status which was going to be a major help to our savings budget. The only negative is that the job is a much farther commute than what my previous job was, and that was already quite an extensive drive. But hopefully God will provide a house for us that cuts down on the drive to both of our jobs. Fingers crossed!

With the new job I also get medical coverage which was slightly depressing at first because that meant I was going to have to be taken off my husband's amazing insurance plan, but after looking into the options I had I realized that I might actually have the chance to finally visit a holistic infertility specialist. This is something I've been wanting to do for a while now, but our current medical provider doesn't cover any portion of that type of Doctor. After going through the first round of infertility treatments and realizing that my phobia of medical needles is still alive and well, we came to the conclusion that we needed to pursue holistic treatments instead if we still wanted kids through the natural way. 

All in all once again, God had bigger things in store for us. As we begin this new chapter in our lives we will continue to trust God and follow the path that He has set before us.

Doubt

Doubt is something that I have always struggled with, mainly because I don't like getting my hopes up just to be ultimately let down. I guess you could say that it's a way of guarding my heart to some extent. Throughout this infertility process it's been an incredibly difficult struggle with doubt. Even when I send up prayers to God I can still feel myself completely doubting whether he can really perform a miracle and help us have children. I even doubt sometimes that we will have kids at all, even through adoption. Basically I was completely and wholeheartedly doubting the power of our amazing creator. 

I would still pray and read my Bible on almost a daily basis. I wanted to make sure that I was still connected to God and didn't lose my faith as well. That's when I read James 1:6 "But when you pray, you must believe and not doubt at all. Whoever doubts is like a wave in the sea that is driven and blown about by the wind." GNB.  Ouch! God totally called me out on all the doubt I was having towards Him and what he can do for us. But it was completely true, my doubt was causing me to be thrown around in this sea of life events. Instead of relying on the knowledge that God has this situation in his hands I was still trying to handle things my way just in case He didn't come through for us.

After reading that verse and really chewing on it for a few days I realized that if I really wanted to reap the benefits of trusting God I really had to put my complete and utter trust in Him regarding the infertility. I had to quit doubting Him and the power that He has, that I needed to trust that God's got this. It's been a while since I've read James 1:6, but it's still fresh in my mind and now every time I pray my words are filled with not ounce of doubt. After resolving to not let doubt get in the way, I felt like a weight was lifted off my chest. For whatever reason the doubt that I was holding onto was having that much of an effect on me and I didn't even know it.

Now every time I begin to feel doubt creeping up on me I just refer back to that verse which reminds me that doubt just creates problems and causes me to not fully rely on God's power and to doubt that he can make anything happen.

It's Okay

I know I have mentioned in one of my other posts how I came to the epiphany that it was okay to feel the emotions I was feeling, but I never realized that there were many other women who are struggling with infertility that were also going through the same battle with emotions that I was. Well, I'm here to tell you that it's completely okay to feel the way you are feeling; sadness, anger, frustration, etc. are normal to be dealing with. The worst part of this struggle for myself was when others around me refused to validate the emotions I was going through. I cam to realize that many of those individuals were people who had never struggled with infertility, or really any major loss of any kind for that matter. They just didn't understand why I couldn't suck it up and move on, mainly because they had never had to deal with something difficult before. Or they didn't feel like dealing with me being sad, angry, or any other kind of negative emotion. That in return caused me to distance myself from several people in my life because I couldn't deal with bottling up my emotions around them anymore. All they wanted to do was be around me for the positive emotions, but not be there when I was hurting.

As a result I began to feel like there was something wrong with me for feeling the way I was. I started to feel like I was being unreasonable or as if I was wrong for having the emotions I was having. Guilt started to seep in and any time I started to express any type of negative emotion to a friend or family member I found myself constantly apologizing for those emotions. It wasn't until I found an online infertility community on Facebook that I started to realize that what I was going through was normal. I began to connect with other women who had gone through or were currently going through a situation similar to mine. I don't mean just infertility, but infertility caused by unexplained reasons or due to an ovary being removed at an early age. I saw them write about the anger and frustration that they were feeling because of their infertility, and I saw others comforting them. I saw other individuals validating the other person's feelings or telling each other how they went through the exact same situation.

Most importantly I saw the individuals of the community supporting each other and reminding each other that it was okay. It was okay to be dealing with the emotions they were feeling. It was okay to be frustrated that after 3+ years you were still not able to conceive, that it was okay to feel sad at the sight of a family with a new baby. Not because the sight of a new baby makes you instantly sad, but because seeing that happy family with a new baby is a reminder of something that you still do not have after several years of trying to conceive. For being frustrated that after doing everything you possibly can, medically and spiritually, you still are not able to get pregnant.

I felt a huge wave of relief come over me after seeing all of the people validate, encourage, and support others who were going through the same exact situation the other was. That's when it really hit me; it's okay to not be okay. What we are going through is something extremely difficult emotionally and physically. It's also something that for whatever reason is still incredibly difficult for people to talk about or admit to. For most people it's still considered shameful or embarrassing to admit that they are struggling with infertility. Or they feel like they are bad people for feeling the negative emotions that they are struggling with.

Well, it's not bad and it's completely normal to be dealing with all these negative emotions. It's also completely natural that a person would be sad, upset, angry frustrated, etc. when going through something as difficult as infertility. And as I have found, the only way that you are going to properly heal and be able to be strong enough to continue through this journey is to accept that what you are feeling is normal. If you do not come to realize that the bad emotions you are struggling with are normal, you will only dig yourself into a deeper pit of depression and cause yourself to have a mental or emotional breakdown like I almost did.

Before I was connected with people going through the same thing we were and were feeling the same things we were, I was at the brink of a complete mental and emotional breakdown. I couldn't keep the negative parts bottled up for much longer and I couldn't deal with people telling me to just suck it up and move on. If it wasn't for the community that I found through social media and through word of mouth or

by others I was randomly connected to through work or the doctor's office, I would be in a much worse mental state. Having individuals tell me that it was okay to be sad or frustrated made a huge impact on me. It also made me come to the realization that if I was struggling with the fact that it's okay to be feeling the way I was, that there were probably many others like me who were struggling with feeling okay to express those negative emotions. So if you are one of those people, I'm here to tell you again; it's okay to not be okay.

Not All Infertility is Created Equal

One biggest misconception I have come across during this journey is realizing just how many people think that all infertility is the same. It's not. There are so many different stories and reasons why a couple is struggling with trying to conceive. Here are just a few: endometriosis, thyroid problems, not ovulating, low testosterone from the male, not enough eggs, fallopian tube issues,  cysts on the ovaries or other areas, and the list goes on. . . Mine for example has to due with a lot of freak items that all happened over time (see Bad News Comes in Threes). The loss of an ovary, minimal thyroid issues and a few other factors have made it so that I have a less than 1% chance of getting pregnant. All of my blood work and chemical levels are at a higher than normal level, but because of those few things not being where they should be at it creates that minimal success at conception. That's just my story though.

As I mentioned there are so many other reasons or problems that cause infertility which is why each story and struggle is completely different. The only thing that is not different with each story or journey is the pain, anger and frustration that each of us going through infertility deals with. One thing that has made it worse for me personally is when a person says flat out, 'Well infertility is all just the same right? So and so struggled with it for a year and then got pregnant after one treatment. I'm sure the same will happen to you if you just do everything they did.' Umm..no. I don't mean that in a harsh way, it's just that as I mentioned there are so many different reasons why a couple can become pregnant after one treatment and why others have no success with treatments. I have known people who went through 10 years of infertility treatments, everything from IVF to just taking Clomid, with no success at all.  I have also known couples who went through just one round of infertility treatments and ended up pregnant. Each couple had completely different medical issues and were about the same age when their struggle began, but each couple had a completely different outcome.

Like I mentioned, each struggle is completely unique and none are too alike. The only thing that is the same are the emotions that we feel. If you ever come across a couple or individual who is struggling with infertility, I would encourage you to not try and compare their struggle with another couple's. Instead try to encourage and validate the emotions that they are struggling with. Doing something as simple as that will make a world of difference to them.

Now on Twitter!

If Instagram isn't really your thing, Finding Joy in Infertility is now on Twitter as well! Follow me @FindingJoyinTTC 

One of the Hardest Days of the Year

One of the hardest days of the year for me is without a doubt is Mother's Day. Seeing so many families with babies of all ages really hits me hard in the heart. I'm sure my husband could say the same for Father's Day as well. It's hard to not constantly think about how long you have been praying and begging for a child, and yet still do not have one, when there are nothing but smiling happy families around us all day. Of course I feel happy for those women out there who do have kids and have the honor of being called Mom, especially for those women who struggled with infertility for as long if not longer than us. Even though I'm happy for them, it still doesn't make it any easier or distract me from the fact that God still hasn't answered our prayers with a yes or no just yet. If anything, for a single day it makes my heart hurt twice as intense for 24 hours.

Something that definitely helps though is celebrating not only our Moms, but my Nana and cousins as well. We love doing a huge meal and celebration for them thanking them for all they have done and still do to support us when we need it. My husband and I have been especially grateful for them during this long and painful infertility journey. Each one of them has also had major struggles regarding kids as well, whether it be infertility or something else. Celebrating them and making sure that they know we appreciate and admire their strength is incredibly important to us, because they have been an amazing example of what it means to not give up. And that means the world to my husband and I.

Whenever some one asks me how to get through Mother's Day without completely losing it, I tell them to do just that. Find a female in your life who is a Mother and celebrate them on Mother's Day, do something incredible for them to let them know just how much you appreciate them. That will make the difference between being incredibly heartbroken on Mother's Day or spending the day being tear free. I also try to spend part of the day lifting up my sisters in the infertility community to remind them that they are not alone, that there are so many of us out there too struggling just like they are. To let them know that they are loved and that even though they may not feel like it, on Mother's Day especially, they have an incredible source of strength from God that will continue to help carry them through their infertility journey.

For those of you who have not struggled or have just ended your infertility journey, I encourage you to try and take a moment out of your Mother's Day to lift up those out there who are still struggling with infertility. To let them know they are not alone and to encourage them in some way. Even if it's just letting that person know that you are still praying for them, it will still mean the world to them.

My Worst Nightmare

These past few weeks have been particularly difficult for me, especially at work. Just when I though things were beginning to get a little better for me mentally, God thrust one of my biggest struggles right into my face without absolutely any escape. Not one, but two of my co-workers are newly pregnant which means that they both were placed in the office with me. I literally have no way of avoiding them, for eight hours each day they are right in front of me. No escape. Obviously God thought that it was time to make me face this issue I have with pregnant women. By issue I mean every time I am around a pregnant woman I have the instant urge to want to burst into tears. I don't know what it is, but every time I am around some one who is pregnant I can't help it as hard as I try. For some reason I have a really difficult time stopping the rapid thoughts of, "that should have been us." "why aren't we able to have kids?" "they're on their 3rd kid, it's not fair".... So far all of my attempts at trying to stop this train of thought have failed.

The first day that I realized that I would be placed with my pregnant coworkers I was legitimately worried that I would not be able to make it through the shift without crying at least every 30 minutes. Thankfully I had only lost it twice, both times the emotional overload coincided with my meal breaks. By those times I was ready to step away and mentally gather myself. One thing that helped was all the work I had to accomplish during my shift, concentrating on all of the tasks helped a little. Just not enough. The hardest part is hearing them complain about common pregnancy issues, I really do feel for them and try to sympathize with them. It's still hard not trying to comment and say what I'm really thinking. Thoughts like "I wish I was going through that", "what I would give to feel those things"....

I still have a few more months of trying to figure out how to deal with this issue, but after a few weeks of trying to push past this issue I still feel like I haven't made much progress. I'm hoping that in a few weeks it will be easier for me to be around pregnant women, but only time will tell.

Now on Instagram!

Want more live updates as to our daily journey through infertility? Follow me on Instagram: @FindingJoyinInfertility 

Losing Control

Before this long struggle of ours, I thought I knew what losing control meant. I thought I was one of those people who could completely just let go and go with the flow of things. I slowly learned through these many months of testing and operations, that I had a lot more growing to do in the area of letting go of control and letting God take the reigns. Infertility is one of those things that doesn't give you a choice on whether or not you get to control how your body responds to the tests or treatments. 

For females, if your eggs are to small or few, the doctors may give you medication to help make them grow to an ideal size to make conception more likely. But whether your body responds correctly to the initial dosage that they give you is completely out of your control. If your cycles are completely unpredictable, then it makes it even more difficult for the doctors to determine when is a good time for you to begin certain medications or begin certain injections. It's completely out of your control.
After several months of testing and trying to control when my body did certain things, it became completely frustrating and I felt like I had no idea what to do to get my body to cooperate.
That's when it hit me, I realized that through this continuous struggle I had completely lost control.  I no longer had a firm grip on what was going on with my body, I was no longer able to control how quickly or slowly things would happen. I mean, I know I never really had control to begin with, but before infertility I really felt like I was able to control or at least predict exactly when things were going to happen. It was just way more apparent this time and really made me come to terms with the fact that I truly do not have control over my life, that everything in our lives is completely out of our control and in God's hands.

Coming to this epiphany brought a wave of peace over me. Being reminded that even though our infertility is completely out of our hands, but is in God's control made me feel so much more relaxed. Although our infertility continues to be something out of our control, and at times completely frustrating, I am constantly reminded of the many other times I was not in control of a situation and God had made it work for the better. That in every situation I could remember, good or bad, God took care of me and did not let me down. Losing control of this major issue turned out to be another unexpected lesson from God; we are truly never in complete control. And that's okay, because if we let God be in complete control it will always work our for our benefit whether or not it is apparent to us at that time.

You Matter

 When going through a major struggle like infertility there's one thing I've never thought I would have to remind myself as well as others;  even though you may not have a baby or be able to adopt, you still matter. Just because you may not have a child at that point in time, or maybe even ever, it does not make you less of a human being.

Sadly though this is something I am constantly sating not only to myself, but others as well. Not being able to have a baby through natural conception or infertility treatments does not mean that you are broken, nor does it mean that you have no value. It just means that God has made us all differently, and he has a greater testimony being developed through our struggles than what we can presently see.

One quote that I came across recently was a great reminder of this:

"...with a baby or without, you are valuable, you are whole, and you matter..."

- An Infertility Story (AmateurNester.com)

These are such important words to be told and frequently reminded as an infertile couple. That we are not defined by whether or not we have babies or kids or even how quickly we can have them. That we are not incomplete if we are not able to have kids. Sadly though, these are normal thoughts that almost every one has when they first begun to experience infertility. The cause of these thoughts are many and come from a plethora of outlets ranging from secular and non secular areas. It comes from commercials, television shows, social media, books, radio, film, and so on. It's hard to not let yourself think such negative thoughts about being infertile when you are constantly surrounded by so many things telling you just that.

Even with all of these negative thoughts and ideas lurking around every corner, it made me realize something major; my worth and identity are not defined by my ability to have kids. This also applies to people who do not feel led to even have kids. Our identity is in Christ alone.

If God wants us to have children from any method of conception or through adoption, He will surely make it happen. But as I've learned and mentioned before, sometimes that is not His plan for certain people. Sometimes His plan for us does not involve children, or His giftings to us don't include being led to have children, and that's okay. All it means is that there is a different path for our lives and constant testimony that He has in store for us.

You still matter, you are still important to God and his work in this world.

Why I Don't Go Onto Facebook More than Once in a Blue Moon

That's right, you read the title correctly, I have somehow managed to train myself to not go on Facebook more than once every couple of weeks. Trust me it's not easy to do, but it was a much needed thing for me to do. I started to find that every time I went onto Facebook I would log off feeling more sad and depressed than happy. It took me a while to notice that while I was giving a thumbs up to major events in people's lives, I was actually starting to feel some negative thoughts towards others because of the images I was seeing.

I was beginning to have thoughts that were beginning to have an incredibly negative effect on how I related to people. I started to have thoughts like: 'That's not fair, why do they get to have a baby, but we don't?' or 'Seriously, they weren't even trying to have kids as long as us.' I started to find myself  having problems even being around the people I followed on Facebook in real life. I decided that something needed to change, because all I was doing was placing myself in a bad place mentally.

I came to the conclusion that I needed to do a Facebook detox. That meant taking all the bookmarks off my computer for the site, deinstalling it in my phone, and also making sure the bookmark is off of the internet browser on my phone. I figured it would be slightly easier for me this way. Out of sight, out of mind.

It wasn't easy at first, I had to constantly stop myself from unknowingly typing the site's name into my browser. After a couple weeks though I noticed myself thinking less about all the babies that every one was having, and started to let go of the negative thoughts I was having. After a month I completely lost all interest in going on Facebook, and I no longer constantly thought about all the kids that other people were having that we couldn't have. It also became much easier being around random pregnant women or families with babies out in public. I didn't want to instantly burst into tears or go into a depressive state just being in the same vicinity of them.

Now I'm not saying that this method solved everything, but it was definitely a step in the right direction. Through that small step  I did come to the conclusion that there are a lot more items I need to remove from my life or regulate a lot more.

Living an Open and Honest Life

Being so open and public about our infertility issues my husband and I get asked a lot of questions about our struggle. Questions about how we keep hope alive, how we keep from remaining in a pit of sadness, or how we  remain trusting in God. Each question does not have a simple clean cut answer, simply because infertility is not a simple and clean cut issue. There are so many different types of infertility or even cause for the health issue as well.

One of the biggest things I personally get asked quite often is, "Why did you put yourself through a grieving process? Why not just get over it and move on?" It's a harsh and completely valid question to ask. For some people, just accepting it and pushing away those sad emotions is easy and their way of moving on. It's something I tried doing in the beginning, I would just suppress any bad emotion that started to bubble up, I would bottle it away and place it on a mental shelf far away so that I didn't have to deal with it. This has always been my go to coping mechanism, and after many years on this planet a person to me told me very nicely and very sternly, "You are doing more harm than good to yourself by bottling up these emotions and not dealing with them," Of course I disregarded that piece of advise and thought, no way I'm doing harm to myself. I'm just trying to live life without being sad all the time, without letting my emotions get the best of me. I was utterly and completely wrong.

After a few months I started to see this method beginning to backfire. I could feel myself getting angry at anything and everything. It didn't matter if it was our dogs, random people, or my husband, if they did anything that I remotely disliked I somehow managed to just let them have it. I would yell at them or mentally punish them for not doing things what I deemed as the correct way. I also found myself shutting off any emotion other than anger. I was no longer happy, I didn't want to be around people and did not feel the need to show any positive emotions.

When I realized that nothing had the ability to make me happy anymore, I saw that something had to change. I realized that in order to process all that was going on I needed to truly accept the fact that my body had a less than 1% chance of bearing kids. That I needed to finally put this behind us and move on to the next steps. I also realized that if I did not do all of this and move on I would never truly love whatever child we adopted. That I would just end up being angry at the child for no reason, or only see them as a replacement for the child we couldn't have on our own.

That's when some wise words popped into my head from a person I heard speak at Church when I was in high school about death and grieving. They said that when you go through a truly great loss of any kind, it takes a minimum of one year to completely grieve the loss. That as a sort of cleansing effect you need to go through those family holidays, birthdays, and smaller moments in general without that person (or thing). That through time, your heart will be healed or mended. But if you don't let yourself go through the process, you can end up more bitter and angry over time.

After thinking about it for a few weeks I saw that I needed to let myself grieve this major loss. Even though we never had a child or miscarriage, I still needed to grieve the fact that unless by some Biblical miracle I got pregnant, that we will never have kids of our own. Ever. Once I finally let those words sink in I felt a wave of emotions come over me. Everything that I had worked so hard to suppress for months broke though the emotional wall I had built so high, and it felt good. It felt good to finally let myself be sad, to feel emotions other than anger, guilt or rage. I finally started to feel free.


Ever since then I have felt so much better, emotionally and physically I have begun to learn how to manage the sadness in a healthy way, and to learn how to be happy again.So far the hardest part has been going through holidays and being reminded that we still do not have a child of our own to share the holidays with. Seeing other families with kids of their own to share those special moments with is still incredibly hard and frustrating to see, but it's not as difficult as it was before. And that, is a huge step forward.

It hasn't been a full year yet since I decided to do this, but it's getting pretty close. I can honestly say that I know if I hadn't started this process, I would probably be in anger management classes right now and my relationship with my husband would be in shambles. I am grateful that God prompted me to start the steps of grieving, because now I am finally able to move onto the other great things He has planned for us. I am finally at the point that I know when we adopt in the near future, I will be able to give that child my full and complete love. Love without resentment or sadness.

"GOD bandages the wounds he makes; his hand hurts you, and his hand heals."

Job 5:18 (GNB)

Top 5 Things Not to Say to a Friend Who is Struggling With Infertility (for Christians)

Whether you realize it or not there are some things that you are saying to your friends who are struggling with infertility that are actually hurting them. It may even be something simple that you don't even give a second though to. I never understood what other people struggling with infertility meant when they said that the simplest phrases were the most hurtful while going through their struggle. Mind you, I say people to include the husbands as well. The struggle and pain is just as real for them as it is the women. Sometimes they are just better at hiding it than women, but deep down inside they can be hurting just as badly. Especially if the infertility issue lies with them.

 Here are some phrases that can be hurtful that I've gathered so far from my own experiences, and other's as well:


1. "It's just not God's timing yet." Yes, we know. We are reminded of this constantly not just in scripture, but also from every one around us. We understand that God's timing is perfect and everything will happen in His perfect time, but it doesn't make the not knowing why it's not the right time in His eyes any easier. Being reminded of it constantly doesn't help things much either.

Better thing to say:

2. "You should just adopt!" Adopting is something that is a last choice for most of us, mainly because of the high cost. In some cases, it's so expensive that we have to choose between buying a house or adopting a child. It's not something that we can just go out and do after spending most (if not all) of our savings on fertility treatments. It's also a money draining long process, especially depending on what type of adoption you and your husband choose. Some can cost upwards of $20,000+.

Better thing to say: "What is your infertility plan?" Just asking questions as to what treatments do you plan to do, or for how long you will do them for is so much more helpful.

3. "You just need to trust God." This one is my personal favorite, and by favorite I mean the most frustrating.It's also the one that I personally hear frequently.  It's almost as if the person is implying that we have not been trying to trust Him the entire time. It also comes off as a blanket statement or cop out when the person has no other advice to offer.

Better thing to say: " I honestly have no words to encourage you by other than I will be praying for you." The truth is, most of us would rather you admit you don't know what to say as encouragement. That is encouragement enough sometimes.

4. "We weren't even trying to have kids! I guess we are just that fertile.." Well, good for you. God makes every one uniquely and blesses people with different levels of fertility. We all know this. It's also not like we aren't happy for people who are able to have kids at any rate of quickness. It just doesn't help us feel any better at knowing what is taking years for it to happen for us only took a month or less to happen to you.

Better thing to say: " We are pregnant and over the moon with such a blessing." There's no need to add in the surprise part of the story.

5. "Just be thankful you don't have to deal sleepless nights, or giving up your freedom to go out all the time yet." That would be the whole point of going through infertility treatments or adoption. We are more than ready to sacrifice a life of freedom of doing whatever we want  at any time. We are longing to take care of that child even if it means we lose weeks worth of sleep because they are having a bad nightmare or are sick. It doesn't mean that we won't miss that freedom, but the blessing and reward that we trade that freedom for is so much more worth it.

Better thing to say: "Sometimes we wish we had our freedom back, or wish we didn't have to deal with _____, but they are so worth it."

This post is not meant to make people feel guilty or to make you walk on eggshells while around people going through this struggle. It's meant to help others be aware of what may seem like the best encouragement for any situation, can actually be more hurtful or frustrating. I hope this post is helpful for most of you out there!

Here's to a New Year

These past few months I have been on an unexpected hiatus from life in general, not just the blog. With so many deaths of family and friends within a 60 day period, more sports injuries, more pregnancy announcements, the one year anniversary of my surgery, and a couple bouts of the flu, I needed  a break from life. It felt like God was trying to break me of my sanity and mental health by the end of the year. I was ready for 2015 to be over and for the new year to begin. So I focused on keeping myself busy to keep my mind off of all the grief and sadness I was trying to process. I immersed my self in work, took on  even more responsibility for my position at the museum, started doing yoga weekly again, and went to see family in Utah with my husband. Beginning yoga again was a huge help, being forced to actually sit and clear your mind of everything is incredibly helpful. I could feel each negative emotion melting away from me with each intentional breath. After every class I felt more refreshed and ready to take on the week ahead, something I hadn't felt in almost a year.

During this time I also realised that it truly was going to take me a minimum  of a year to actually process and to officially grieve what is a major loss for us. I also needed to constantly remind myself that it was okay to grieve, that the feelings that were swimming around in me are completely normal. Once I finally started to remember that is was okay, I started feeling better bit by bit. One of the hardest moments in December for us was realising it was officially the one year anniversary of my surgery. One year anniversary of having it officially confirmed that we have a "less than 1% chance" of getting pregnant. It's not like we have it marked on the calendar, or a save the date for this life event. Funny enough, the only reason I remembered was because some one mentioned it to me.  After that it hit me like a ton of bricks being slapped onto my chest. Just as I had been working so hard to push past all the sadness, it started to bubble up again. All of the hard work of trying to force myself to process the sadness, of trying to be okay around babies and pregnant women, started to crumble. For a couple of days I couldn't stop myself from bursting into tears or a massive wave of sadness coming over me.

I really did not want to start from scratch again, so I immersed myself in running again. Any time I felt like I couldn't make it through the day without crying I would go for short, but hard runs. It helped me re-focus my energy and emotions to where I didn't feel an overwhelming amount of heartache. If any of you are going through the same thing, I highly recommend finding an outlet like I did. It will help keep you sane and help your emotions from completely getting the best of you. Another thing that helped was the amazing support from a few of my closest co-workers. Anytime they saw that I was beginning to struggle they would do something as small as bringing me my favorite latte, or taking me out to a fun place for drinks, or check in on me. The best will always be the silly pictures or messages they would send me to make me laugh. Having that support was incredibly helpful.

At the end of the year my husband and I decided to make goals for a fresh start in 2016. Sounds cliche I know, but it was really important for us this time. It was important to set intentions for a better and happier year, to be reminded that we were working towards some amazing things for the new year. One of the biggest goals is to buy a house and be moved into LA County by Thanksgiving. Buying a house is a major deal for us not just because it's a major financial investment, but also because it's the first major step into us starting the process for adoption. We realised that the house we are currently living in would need major upgrades to be accepted by an adoption agency, stuff that we know our landlord would not be willing to do. In order for us to take our first major steps towards the adoption process, we had to begin planning for buying a place of our own.

Of course we set many other goals for 2016 to help keep us healthy mentally and physically, all of which so far we have managed to fulfill or completely commit to with no problems. Lord willing we will be able to completely accomplish each one.

Here's to a better and healthier 2016!