Doubt

Doubt is something that I have always struggled with, mainly because I don't like getting my hopes up just to be ultimately let down. I guess you could say that it's a way of guarding my heart to some extent. Throughout this infertility process it's been an incredibly difficult struggle with doubt. Even when I send up prayers to God I can still feel myself completely doubting whether he can really perform a miracle and help us have children. I even doubt sometimes that we will have kids at all, even through adoption. Basically I was completely and wholeheartedly doubting the power of our amazing creator. 

I would still pray and read my Bible on almost a daily basis. I wanted to make sure that I was still connected to God and didn't lose my faith as well. That's when I read James 1:6 "But when you pray, you must believe and not doubt at all. Whoever doubts is like a wave in the sea that is driven and blown about by the wind." GNB.  Ouch! God totally called me out on all the doubt I was having towards Him and what he can do for us. But it was completely true, my doubt was causing me to be thrown around in this sea of life events. Instead of relying on the knowledge that God has this situation in his hands I was still trying to handle things my way just in case He didn't come through for us.

After reading that verse and really chewing on it for a few days I realized that if I really wanted to reap the benefits of trusting God I really had to put my complete and utter trust in Him regarding the infertility. I had to quit doubting Him and the power that He has, that I needed to trust that God's got this. It's been a while since I've read James 1:6, but it's still fresh in my mind and now every time I pray my words are filled with not ounce of doubt. After resolving to not let doubt get in the way, I felt like a weight was lifted off my chest. For whatever reason the doubt that I was holding onto was having that much of an effect on me and I didn't even know it.

Now every time I begin to feel doubt creeping up on me I just refer back to that verse which reminds me that doubt just creates problems and causes me to not fully rely on God's power and to doubt that he can make anything happen.

It's Okay

I know I have mentioned in one of my other posts how I came to the epiphany that it was okay to feel the emotions I was feeling, but I never realized that there were many other women who are struggling with infertility that were also going through the same battle with emotions that I was. Well, I'm here to tell you that it's completely okay to feel the way you are feeling; sadness, anger, frustration, etc. are normal to be dealing with. The worst part of this struggle for myself was when others around me refused to validate the emotions I was going through. I cam to realize that many of those individuals were people who had never struggled with infertility, or really any major loss of any kind for that matter. They just didn't understand why I couldn't suck it up and move on, mainly because they had never had to deal with something difficult before. Or they didn't feel like dealing with me being sad, angry, or any other kind of negative emotion. That in return caused me to distance myself from several people in my life because I couldn't deal with bottling up my emotions around them anymore. All they wanted to do was be around me for the positive emotions, but not be there when I was hurting.

As a result I began to feel like there was something wrong with me for feeling the way I was. I started to feel like I was being unreasonable or as if I was wrong for having the emotions I was having. Guilt started to seep in and any time I started to express any type of negative emotion to a friend or family member I found myself constantly apologizing for those emotions. It wasn't until I found an online infertility community on Facebook that I started to realize that what I was going through was normal. I began to connect with other women who had gone through or were currently going through a situation similar to mine. I don't mean just infertility, but infertility caused by unexplained reasons or due to an ovary being removed at an early age. I saw them write about the anger and frustration that they were feeling because of their infertility, and I saw others comforting them. I saw other individuals validating the other person's feelings or telling each other how they went through the exact same situation.

Most importantly I saw the individuals of the community supporting each other and reminding each other that it was okay. It was okay to be dealing with the emotions they were feeling. It was okay to be frustrated that after 3+ years you were still not able to conceive, that it was okay to feel sad at the sight of a family with a new baby. Not because the sight of a new baby makes you instantly sad, but because seeing that happy family with a new baby is a reminder of something that you still do not have after several years of trying to conceive. For being frustrated that after doing everything you possibly can, medically and spiritually, you still are not able to get pregnant.

I felt a huge wave of relief come over me after seeing all of the people validate, encourage, and support others who were going through the same exact situation the other was. That's when it really hit me; it's okay to not be okay. What we are going through is something extremely difficult emotionally and physically. It's also something that for whatever reason is still incredibly difficult for people to talk about or admit to. For most people it's still considered shameful or embarrassing to admit that they are struggling with infertility. Or they feel like they are bad people for feeling the negative emotions that they are struggling with.

Well, it's not bad and it's completely normal to be dealing with all these negative emotions. It's also completely natural that a person would be sad, upset, angry frustrated, etc. when going through something as difficult as infertility. And as I have found, the only way that you are going to properly heal and be able to be strong enough to continue through this journey is to accept that what you are feeling is normal. If you do not come to realize that the bad emotions you are struggling with are normal, you will only dig yourself into a deeper pit of depression and cause yourself to have a mental or emotional breakdown like I almost did.

Before I was connected with people going through the same thing we were and were feeling the same things we were, I was at the brink of a complete mental and emotional breakdown. I couldn't keep the negative parts bottled up for much longer and I couldn't deal with people telling me to just suck it up and move on. If it wasn't for the community that I found through social media and through word of mouth or

by others I was randomly connected to through work or the doctor's office, I would be in a much worse mental state. Having individuals tell me that it was okay to be sad or frustrated made a huge impact on me. It also made me come to the realization that if I was struggling with the fact that it's okay to be feeling the way I was, that there were probably many others like me who were struggling with feeling okay to express those negative emotions. So if you are one of those people, I'm here to tell you again; it's okay to not be okay.

Not All Infertility is Created Equal

One biggest misconception I have come across during this journey is realizing just how many people think that all infertility is the same. It's not. There are so many different stories and reasons why a couple is struggling with trying to conceive. Here are just a few: endometriosis, thyroid problems, not ovulating, low testosterone from the male, not enough eggs, fallopian tube issues,  cysts on the ovaries or other areas, and the list goes on. . . Mine for example has to due with a lot of freak items that all happened over time (see Bad News Comes in Threes). The loss of an ovary, minimal thyroid issues and a few other factors have made it so that I have a less than 1% chance of getting pregnant. All of my blood work and chemical levels are at a higher than normal level, but because of those few things not being where they should be at it creates that minimal success at conception. That's just my story though.

As I mentioned there are so many other reasons or problems that cause infertility which is why each story and struggle is completely different. The only thing that is not different with each story or journey is the pain, anger and frustration that each of us going through infertility deals with. One thing that has made it worse for me personally is when a person says flat out, 'Well infertility is all just the same right? So and so struggled with it for a year and then got pregnant after one treatment. I'm sure the same will happen to you if you just do everything they did.' Umm..no. I don't mean that in a harsh way, it's just that as I mentioned there are so many different reasons why a couple can become pregnant after one treatment and why others have no success with treatments. I have known people who went through 10 years of infertility treatments, everything from IVF to just taking Clomid, with no success at all.  I have also known couples who went through just one round of infertility treatments and ended up pregnant. Each couple had completely different medical issues and were about the same age when their struggle began, but each couple had a completely different outcome.

Like I mentioned, each struggle is completely unique and none are too alike. The only thing that is the same are the emotions that we feel. If you ever come across a couple or individual who is struggling with infertility, I would encourage you to not try and compare their struggle with another couple's. Instead try to encourage and validate the emotions that they are struggling with. Doing something as simple as that will make a world of difference to them.

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One of the Hardest Days of the Year

One of the hardest days of the year for me is without a doubt is Mother's Day. Seeing so many families with babies of all ages really hits me hard in the heart. I'm sure my husband could say the same for Father's Day as well. It's hard to not constantly think about how long you have been praying and begging for a child, and yet still do not have one, when there are nothing but smiling happy families around us all day. Of course I feel happy for those women out there who do have kids and have the honor of being called Mom, especially for those women who struggled with infertility for as long if not longer than us. Even though I'm happy for them, it still doesn't make it any easier or distract me from the fact that God still hasn't answered our prayers with a yes or no just yet. If anything, for a single day it makes my heart hurt twice as intense for 24 hours.

Something that definitely helps though is celebrating not only our Moms, but my Nana and cousins as well. We love doing a huge meal and celebration for them thanking them for all they have done and still do to support us when we need it. My husband and I have been especially grateful for them during this long and painful infertility journey. Each one of them has also had major struggles regarding kids as well, whether it be infertility or something else. Celebrating them and making sure that they know we appreciate and admire their strength is incredibly important to us, because they have been an amazing example of what it means to not give up. And that means the world to my husband and I.

Whenever some one asks me how to get through Mother's Day without completely losing it, I tell them to do just that. Find a female in your life who is a Mother and celebrate them on Mother's Day, do something incredible for them to let them know just how much you appreciate them. That will make the difference between being incredibly heartbroken on Mother's Day or spending the day being tear free. I also try to spend part of the day lifting up my sisters in the infertility community to remind them that they are not alone, that there are so many of us out there too struggling just like they are. To let them know that they are loved and that even though they may not feel like it, on Mother's Day especially, they have an incredible source of strength from God that will continue to help carry them through their infertility journey.

For those of you who have not struggled or have just ended your infertility journey, I encourage you to try and take a moment out of your Mother's Day to lift up those out there who are still struggling with infertility. To let them know they are not alone and to encourage them in some way. Even if it's just letting that person know that you are still praying for them, it will still mean the world to them.

My Worst Nightmare

These past few weeks have been particularly difficult for me, especially at work. Just when I though things were beginning to get a little better for me mentally, God thrust one of my biggest struggles right into my face without absolutely any escape. Not one, but two of my co-workers are newly pregnant which means that they both were placed in the office with me. I literally have no way of avoiding them, for eight hours each day they are right in front of me. No escape. Obviously God thought that it was time to make me face this issue I have with pregnant women. By issue I mean every time I am around a pregnant woman I have the instant urge to want to burst into tears. I don't know what it is, but every time I am around some one who is pregnant I can't help it as hard as I try. For some reason I have a really difficult time stopping the rapid thoughts of, "that should have been us." "why aren't we able to have kids?" "they're on their 3rd kid, it's not fair".... So far all of my attempts at trying to stop this train of thought have failed.

The first day that I realized that I would be placed with my pregnant coworkers I was legitimately worried that I would not be able to make it through the shift without crying at least every 30 minutes. Thankfully I had only lost it twice, both times the emotional overload coincided with my meal breaks. By those times I was ready to step away and mentally gather myself. One thing that helped was all the work I had to accomplish during my shift, concentrating on all of the tasks helped a little. Just not enough. The hardest part is hearing them complain about common pregnancy issues, I really do feel for them and try to sympathize with them. It's still hard not trying to comment and say what I'm really thinking. Thoughts like "I wish I was going through that", "what I would give to feel those things"....

I still have a few more months of trying to figure out how to deal with this issue, but after a few weeks of trying to push past this issue I still feel like I haven't made much progress. I'm hoping that in a few weeks it will be easier for me to be around pregnant women, but only time will tell.