Top 5 Things Not to Say to a Friend Who is Struggling With Infertility (for Christians)

Whether you realize it or not there are some things that you are saying to your friends who are struggling with infertility that are actually hurting them. It may even be something simple that you don't even give a second though to. I never understood what other people struggling with infertility meant when they said that the simplest phrases were the most hurtful while going through their struggle. Mind you, I say people to include the husbands as well. The struggle and pain is just as real for them as it is the women. Sometimes they are just better at hiding it than women, but deep down inside they can be hurting just as badly. Especially if the infertility issue lies with them.

 Here are some phrases that can be hurtful that I've gathered so far from my own experiences, and other's as well:


1. "It's just not God's timing yet." Yes, we know. We are reminded of this constantly not just in scripture, but also from every one around us. We understand that God's timing is perfect and everything will happen in His perfect time, but it doesn't make the not knowing why it's not the right time in His eyes any easier. Being reminded of it constantly doesn't help things much either.

Better thing to say:

2. "You should just adopt!" Adopting is something that is a last choice for most of us, mainly because of the high cost. In some cases, it's so expensive that we have to choose between buying a house or adopting a child. It's not something that we can just go out and do after spending most (if not all) of our savings on fertility treatments. It's also a money draining long process, especially depending on what type of adoption you and your husband choose. Some can cost upwards of $20,000+.

Better thing to say: "What is your infertility plan?" Just asking questions as to what treatments do you plan to do, or for how long you will do them for is so much more helpful.

3. "You just need to trust God." This one is my personal favorite, and by favorite I mean the most frustrating.It's also the one that I personally hear frequently.  It's almost as if the person is implying that we have not been trying to trust Him the entire time. It also comes off as a blanket statement or cop out when the person has no other advice to offer.

Better thing to say: " I honestly have no words to encourage you by other than I will be praying for you." The truth is, most of us would rather you admit you don't know what to say as encouragement. That is encouragement enough sometimes.

4. "We weren't even trying to have kids! I guess we are just that fertile.." Well, good for you. God makes every one uniquely and blesses people with different levels of fertility. We all know this. It's also not like we aren't happy for people who are able to have kids at any rate of quickness. It just doesn't help us feel any better at knowing what is taking years for it to happen for us only took a month or less to happen to you.

Better thing to say: " We are pregnant and over the moon with such a blessing." There's no need to add in the surprise part of the story.

5. "Just be thankful you don't have to deal sleepless nights, or giving up your freedom to go out all the time yet." That would be the whole point of going through infertility treatments or adoption. We are more than ready to sacrifice a life of freedom of doing whatever we want  at any time. We are longing to take care of that child even if it means we lose weeks worth of sleep because they are having a bad nightmare or are sick. It doesn't mean that we won't miss that freedom, but the blessing and reward that we trade that freedom for is so much more worth it.

Better thing to say: "Sometimes we wish we had our freedom back, or wish we didn't have to deal with _____, but they are so worth it."

This post is not meant to make people feel guilty or to make you walk on eggshells while around people going through this struggle. It's meant to help others be aware of what may seem like the best encouragement for any situation, can actually be more hurtful or frustrating. I hope this post is helpful for most of you out there!

Here's to a New Year

These past few months I have been on an unexpected hiatus from life in general, not just the blog. With so many deaths of family and friends within a 60 day period, more sports injuries, more pregnancy announcements, the one year anniversary of my surgery, and a couple bouts of the flu, I needed  a break from life. It felt like God was trying to break me of my sanity and mental health by the end of the year. I was ready for 2015 to be over and for the new year to begin. So I focused on keeping myself busy to keep my mind off of all the grief and sadness I was trying to process. I immersed my self in work, took on  even more responsibility for my position at the museum, started doing yoga weekly again, and went to see family in Utah with my husband. Beginning yoga again was a huge help, being forced to actually sit and clear your mind of everything is incredibly helpful. I could feel each negative emotion melting away from me with each intentional breath. After every class I felt more refreshed and ready to take on the week ahead, something I hadn't felt in almost a year.

During this time I also realised that it truly was going to take me a minimum  of a year to actually process and to officially grieve what is a major loss for us. I also needed to constantly remind myself that it was okay to grieve, that the feelings that were swimming around in me are completely normal. Once I finally started to remember that is was okay, I started feeling better bit by bit. One of the hardest moments in December for us was realising it was officially the one year anniversary of my surgery. One year anniversary of having it officially confirmed that we have a "less than 1% chance" of getting pregnant. It's not like we have it marked on the calendar, or a save the date for this life event. Funny enough, the only reason I remembered was because some one mentioned it to me.  After that it hit me like a ton of bricks being slapped onto my chest. Just as I had been working so hard to push past all the sadness, it started to bubble up again. All of the hard work of trying to force myself to process the sadness, of trying to be okay around babies and pregnant women, started to crumble. For a couple of days I couldn't stop myself from bursting into tears or a massive wave of sadness coming over me.

I really did not want to start from scratch again, so I immersed myself in running again. Any time I felt like I couldn't make it through the day without crying I would go for short, but hard runs. It helped me re-focus my energy and emotions to where I didn't feel an overwhelming amount of heartache. If any of you are going through the same thing, I highly recommend finding an outlet like I did. It will help keep you sane and help your emotions from completely getting the best of you. Another thing that helped was the amazing support from a few of my closest co-workers. Anytime they saw that I was beginning to struggle they would do something as small as bringing me my favorite latte, or taking me out to a fun place for drinks, or check in on me. The best will always be the silly pictures or messages they would send me to make me laugh. Having that support was incredibly helpful.

At the end of the year my husband and I decided to make goals for a fresh start in 2016. Sounds cliche I know, but it was really important for us this time. It was important to set intentions for a better and happier year, to be reminded that we were working towards some amazing things for the new year. One of the biggest goals is to buy a house and be moved into LA County by Thanksgiving. Buying a house is a major deal for us not just because it's a major financial investment, but also because it's the first major step into us starting the process for adoption. We realised that the house we are currently living in would need major upgrades to be accepted by an adoption agency, stuff that we know our landlord would not be willing to do. In order for us to take our first major steps towards the adoption process, we had to begin planning for buying a place of our own.

Of course we set many other goals for 2016 to help keep us healthy mentally and physically, all of which so far we have managed to fulfill or completely commit to with no problems. Lord willing we will be able to completely accomplish each one.

Here's to a better and healthier 2016!