This past month has been full of trials and tribulations for us. It's almost been as if God has been throwing things at us left and right to try and keep our minds off the the fact that we can't have a baby. First my husband's Grandfather passed only one day after they visited him up in Nevada, that was a loss that hit him hard. Then to make things worse I ended up injuring my back and was put on muscle relaxers and bed rest for a while. It was hard to not be able to be limited to what movements I could do and also not be able to do much around the house. Which meant that my grieving husband had to do most of the work and grocery shopping around for the two of us.
Right as it seemed like things were getting better we got hit again. My back wasn't getting much better and an onslaught of new symptoms came on from my injury. Things like losing feeling in my muscles began to happen and severe cramping, which of course prolonged my limited movements. As all of this was going on, another hit to the head happened. One of our friends passed away, it was completely sudden and unexpected. It was way to close to home.
These life events kept coming in waves and always just when we thought things were getting better. Dealing with the news that you cannot have kids, losing friends and family and major injuries are not a good mix of events to try and keep hope alive. With all of this going on I haven't even been able to make it to Church, and to be honest, I have not been heartbroken about it. To feel the rage and depression that I do right now and have felt for about a month so far, has not made me jump to the idea of hearing people talk about God and His word at the moment. This doesn't mean that I will never want to attend Church again, it just means that I'm not ready to hear any type of hopeful or happy messages. Especially with a wound so deep and large in my heart and soul right now. I also don't want to see the looks of pity and sadness in other people's eyes when they see me, or after they hear our story.
I also don't want my friends and family who are pregnant or have new babies want to feel like they can't be around me for fear of offending me. To be honest, it is still incredibly difficult for me to be around babies and pregnant women, it still brings tears to my eyes to even be in the same room as a pregnant woman. But I will never get past all of this sadness and depression if I do not slowly begin to push myself to be around them.
But like I said before, the wound is still to fresh and to large for me to be ready to hear hopeful messages, to be around babies, or to be around pregnant women. I know that one day soon I'll be more ready to be back at Church or back around those friends and family, but for now I just need to concentrate on other things to strengthen my mental health and to prepare for the new journey ahead of us.
Right as it seemed like things were getting better we got hit again. My back wasn't getting much better and an onslaught of new symptoms came on from my injury. Things like losing feeling in my muscles began to happen and severe cramping, which of course prolonged my limited movements. As all of this was going on, another hit to the head happened. One of our friends passed away, it was completely sudden and unexpected. It was way to close to home.
These life events kept coming in waves and always just when we thought things were getting better. Dealing with the news that you cannot have kids, losing friends and family and major injuries are not a good mix of events to try and keep hope alive. With all of this going on I haven't even been able to make it to Church, and to be honest, I have not been heartbroken about it. To feel the rage and depression that I do right now and have felt for about a month so far, has not made me jump to the idea of hearing people talk about God and His word at the moment. This doesn't mean that I will never want to attend Church again, it just means that I'm not ready to hear any type of hopeful or happy messages. Especially with a wound so deep and large in my heart and soul right now. I also don't want to see the looks of pity and sadness in other people's eyes when they see me, or after they hear our story.
I also don't want my friends and family who are pregnant or have new babies want to feel like they can't be around me for fear of offending me. To be honest, it is still incredibly difficult for me to be around babies and pregnant women, it still brings tears to my eyes to even be in the same room as a pregnant woman. But I will never get past all of this sadness and depression if I do not slowly begin to push myself to be around them.
But like I said before, the wound is still to fresh and to large for me to be ready to hear hopeful messages, to be around babies, or to be around pregnant women. I know that one day soon I'll be more ready to be back at Church or back around those friends and family, but for now I just need to concentrate on other things to strengthen my mental health and to prepare for the new journey ahead of us.
