These past few months I have been on an unexpected hiatus from life in general, not just the blog. With so many deaths of family and friends within a 60 day period, more sports injuries, more pregnancy announcements, the one year anniversary of my surgery, and a couple bouts of the flu, I needed a break from life. It felt like God was trying to break me of my sanity and mental health by the end of the year. I was ready for 2015 to be over and for the new year to begin. So I focused on keeping myself busy to keep my mind off of all the grief and sadness I was trying to process. I immersed my self in work, took on even more responsibility for my position at the museum, started doing yoga weekly again, and went to see family in Utah with my husband. Beginning yoga again was a huge help, being forced to actually sit and clear your mind of everything is incredibly helpful. I could feel each negative emotion melting away from me with each intentional breath. After every class I felt more refreshed and ready to take on the week ahead, something I hadn't felt in almost a year.
During this time I also realised that it truly was going to take me a minimum of a year to actually process and to officially grieve what is a major loss for us. I also needed to constantly remind myself that it was okay to grieve, that the feelings that were swimming around in me are completely normal. Once I finally started to remember that is was okay, I started feeling better bit by bit. One of the hardest moments in December for us was realising it was officially the one year anniversary of my surgery. One year anniversary of having it officially confirmed that we have a "less than 1% chance" of getting pregnant. It's not like we have it marked on the calendar, or a save the date for this life event. Funny enough, the only reason I remembered was because some one mentioned it to me. After that it hit me like a ton of bricks being slapped onto my chest. Just as I had been working so hard to push past all the sadness, it started to bubble up again. All of the hard work of trying to force myself to process the sadness, of trying to be okay around babies and pregnant women, started to crumble. For a couple of days I couldn't stop myself from bursting into tears or a massive wave of sadness coming over me.
I really did not want to start from scratch again, so I immersed myself in running again. Any time I felt like I couldn't make it through the day without crying I would go for short, but hard runs. It helped me re-focus my energy and emotions to where I didn't feel an overwhelming amount of heartache. If any of you are going through the same thing, I highly recommend finding an outlet like I did. It will help keep you sane and help your emotions from completely getting the best of you. Another thing that helped was the amazing support from a few of my closest co-workers. Anytime they saw that I was beginning to struggle they would do something as small as bringing me my favorite latte, or taking me out to a fun place for drinks, or check in on me. The best will always be the silly pictures or messages they would send me to make me laugh. Having that support was incredibly helpful.
At the end of the year my husband and I decided to make goals for a fresh start in 2016. Sounds cliche I know, but it was really important for us this time. It was important to set intentions for a better and happier year, to be reminded that we were working towards some amazing things for the new year. One of the biggest goals is to buy a house and be moved into LA County by Thanksgiving. Buying a house is a major deal for us not just because it's a major financial investment, but also because it's the first major step into us starting the process for adoption. We realised that the house we are currently living in would need major upgrades to be accepted by an adoption agency, stuff that we know our landlord would not be willing to do. In order for us to take our first major steps towards the adoption process, we had to begin planning for buying a place of our own.
Of course we set many other goals for 2016 to help keep us healthy mentally and physically, all of which so far we have managed to fulfill or completely commit to with no problems. Lord willing we will be able to completely accomplish each one.
Here's to a better and healthier 2016!
During this time I also realised that it truly was going to take me a minimum of a year to actually process and to officially grieve what is a major loss for us. I also needed to constantly remind myself that it was okay to grieve, that the feelings that were swimming around in me are completely normal. Once I finally started to remember that is was okay, I started feeling better bit by bit. One of the hardest moments in December for us was realising it was officially the one year anniversary of my surgery. One year anniversary of having it officially confirmed that we have a "less than 1% chance" of getting pregnant. It's not like we have it marked on the calendar, or a save the date for this life event. Funny enough, the only reason I remembered was because some one mentioned it to me. After that it hit me like a ton of bricks being slapped onto my chest. Just as I had been working so hard to push past all the sadness, it started to bubble up again. All of the hard work of trying to force myself to process the sadness, of trying to be okay around babies and pregnant women, started to crumble. For a couple of days I couldn't stop myself from bursting into tears or a massive wave of sadness coming over me.
I really did not want to start from scratch again, so I immersed myself in running again. Any time I felt like I couldn't make it through the day without crying I would go for short, but hard runs. It helped me re-focus my energy and emotions to where I didn't feel an overwhelming amount of heartache. If any of you are going through the same thing, I highly recommend finding an outlet like I did. It will help keep you sane and help your emotions from completely getting the best of you. Another thing that helped was the amazing support from a few of my closest co-workers. Anytime they saw that I was beginning to struggle they would do something as small as bringing me my favorite latte, or taking me out to a fun place for drinks, or check in on me. The best will always be the silly pictures or messages they would send me to make me laugh. Having that support was incredibly helpful.
At the end of the year my husband and I decided to make goals for a fresh start in 2016. Sounds cliche I know, but it was really important for us this time. It was important to set intentions for a better and happier year, to be reminded that we were working towards some amazing things for the new year. One of the biggest goals is to buy a house and be moved into LA County by Thanksgiving. Buying a house is a major deal for us not just because it's a major financial investment, but also because it's the first major step into us starting the process for adoption. We realised that the house we are currently living in would need major upgrades to be accepted by an adoption agency, stuff that we know our landlord would not be willing to do. In order for us to take our first major steps towards the adoption process, we had to begin planning for buying a place of our own.
Of course we set many other goals for 2016 to help keep us healthy mentally and physically, all of which so far we have managed to fulfill or completely commit to with no problems. Lord willing we will be able to completely accomplish each one.
Here's to a better and healthier 2016!
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