Whether you realize it or not there are some things that you are saying to your friends who are struggling with infertility that are actually hurting them. It may even be something simple that you don't even give a second though to. I never understood what other people struggling with infertility meant when they said that the simplest phrases were the most hurtful while going through their struggle. Mind you, I say people to include the husbands as well. The struggle and pain is just as real for them as it is the women. Sometimes they are just better at hiding it than women, but deep down inside they can be hurting just as badly. Especially if the infertility issue lies with them.
Here are some phrases that can be hurtful that I've gathered so far from my own experiences, and other's as well:
1. "It's just not God's timing yet." Yes, we know. We are reminded of this constantly not just in scripture, but also from every one around us. We understand that God's timing is perfect and everything will happen in His perfect time, but it doesn't make the not knowing why it's not the right time in His eyes any easier. Being reminded of it constantly doesn't help things much either.
Better thing to say:
2. "You should just adopt!" Adopting is something that is a last choice for most of us, mainly because of the high cost. In some cases, it's so expensive that we have to choose between buying a house or adopting a child. It's not something that we can just go out and do after spending most (if not all) of our savings on fertility treatments. It's also a money draining long process, especially depending on what type of adoption you and your husband choose. Some can cost upwards of $20,000+.
Better thing to say: "What is your infertility plan?" Just asking questions as to what treatments do you plan to do, or for how long you will do them for is so much more helpful.
3. "You just need to trust God." This one is my personal favorite, and by favorite I mean the most frustrating.It's also the one that I personally hear frequently. It's almost as if the person is implying that we have not been trying to trust Him the entire time. It also comes off as a blanket statement or cop out when the person has no other advice to offer.
Better thing to say: " I honestly have no words to encourage you by other than I will be praying for you." The truth is, most of us would rather you admit you don't know what to say as encouragement. That is encouragement enough sometimes.
4. "We weren't even trying to have kids! I guess we are just that fertile.." Well, good for you. God makes every one uniquely and blesses people with different levels of fertility. We all know this. It's also not like we aren't happy for people who are able to have kids at any rate of quickness. It just doesn't help us feel any better at knowing what is taking years for it to happen for us only took a month or less to happen to you.
Better thing to say: " We are pregnant and over the moon with such a blessing." There's no need to add in the surprise part of the story.
5. "Just be thankful you don't have to deal sleepless nights, or giving up your freedom to go out all the time yet." That would be the whole point of going through infertility treatments or adoption. We are more than ready to sacrifice a life of freedom of doing whatever we want at any time. We are longing to take care of that child even if it means we lose weeks worth of sleep because they are having a bad nightmare or are sick. It doesn't mean that we won't miss that freedom, but the blessing and reward that we trade that freedom for is so much more worth it.
Better thing to say: "Sometimes we wish we had our freedom back, or wish we didn't have to deal with _____, but they are so worth it."
This post is not meant to make people feel guilty or to make you walk on eggshells while around people going through this struggle. It's meant to help others be aware of what may seem like the best encouragement for any situation, can actually be more hurtful or frustrating. I hope this post is helpful for most of you out there!
Here are some phrases that can be hurtful that I've gathered so far from my own experiences, and other's as well:
1. "It's just not God's timing yet." Yes, we know. We are reminded of this constantly not just in scripture, but also from every one around us. We understand that God's timing is perfect and everything will happen in His perfect time, but it doesn't make the not knowing why it's not the right time in His eyes any easier. Being reminded of it constantly doesn't help things much either.
Better thing to say:
2. "You should just adopt!" Adopting is something that is a last choice for most of us, mainly because of the high cost. In some cases, it's so expensive that we have to choose between buying a house or adopting a child. It's not something that we can just go out and do after spending most (if not all) of our savings on fertility treatments. It's also a money draining long process, especially depending on what type of adoption you and your husband choose. Some can cost upwards of $20,000+.
Better thing to say: "What is your infertility plan?" Just asking questions as to what treatments do you plan to do, or for how long you will do them for is so much more helpful.
3. "You just need to trust God." This one is my personal favorite, and by favorite I mean the most frustrating.It's also the one that I personally hear frequently. It's almost as if the person is implying that we have not been trying to trust Him the entire time. It also comes off as a blanket statement or cop out when the person has no other advice to offer.
Better thing to say: " I honestly have no words to encourage you by other than I will be praying for you." The truth is, most of us would rather you admit you don't know what to say as encouragement. That is encouragement enough sometimes.
4. "We weren't even trying to have kids! I guess we are just that fertile.." Well, good for you. God makes every one uniquely and blesses people with different levels of fertility. We all know this. It's also not like we aren't happy for people who are able to have kids at any rate of quickness. It just doesn't help us feel any better at knowing what is taking years for it to happen for us only took a month or less to happen to you.
Better thing to say: " We are pregnant and over the moon with such a blessing." There's no need to add in the surprise part of the story.
5. "Just be thankful you don't have to deal sleepless nights, or giving up your freedom to go out all the time yet." That would be the whole point of going through infertility treatments or adoption. We are more than ready to sacrifice a life of freedom of doing whatever we want at any time. We are longing to take care of that child even if it means we lose weeks worth of sleep because they are having a bad nightmare or are sick. It doesn't mean that we won't miss that freedom, but the blessing and reward that we trade that freedom for is so much more worth it.
Better thing to say: "Sometimes we wish we had our freedom back, or wish we didn't have to deal with _____, but they are so worth it."
This post is not meant to make people feel guilty or to make you walk on eggshells while around people going through this struggle. It's meant to help others be aware of what may seem like the best encouragement for any situation, can actually be more hurtful or frustrating. I hope this post is helpful for most of you out there!
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