Doubt

Doubt is something that I have always struggled with, mainly because I don't like getting my hopes up just to be ultimately let down. I guess you could say that it's a way of guarding my heart to some extent. Throughout this infertility process it's been an incredibly difficult struggle with doubt. Even when I send up prayers to God I can still feel myself completely doubting whether he can really perform a miracle and help us have children. I even doubt sometimes that we will have kids at all, even through adoption. Basically I was completely and wholeheartedly doubting the power of our amazing creator. 

I would still pray and read my Bible on almost a daily basis. I wanted to make sure that I was still connected to God and didn't lose my faith as well. That's when I read James 1:6 "But when you pray, you must believe and not doubt at all. Whoever doubts is like a wave in the sea that is driven and blown about by the wind." GNB.  Ouch! God totally called me out on all the doubt I was having towards Him and what he can do for us. But it was completely true, my doubt was causing me to be thrown around in this sea of life events. Instead of relying on the knowledge that God has this situation in his hands I was still trying to handle things my way just in case He didn't come through for us.

After reading that verse and really chewing on it for a few days I realized that if I really wanted to reap the benefits of trusting God I really had to put my complete and utter trust in Him regarding the infertility. I had to quit doubting Him and the power that He has, that I needed to trust that God's got this. It's been a while since I've read James 1:6, but it's still fresh in my mind and now every time I pray my words are filled with not ounce of doubt. After resolving to not let doubt get in the way, I felt like a weight was lifted off my chest. For whatever reason the doubt that I was holding onto was having that much of an effect on me and I didn't even know it.

Now every time I begin to feel doubt creeping up on me I just refer back to that verse which reminds me that doubt just creates problems and causes me to not fully rely on God's power and to doubt that he can make anything happen.