Before this long struggle of ours, I thought I knew what losing control meant. I thought I was one of those people who could completely just let go and go with the flow of things. I slowly learned through these many months of testing and operations, that I had a lot more growing to do in the area of letting go of control and letting God take the reigns. Infertility is one of those things that doesn't give you a choice on whether or not you get to control how your body responds to the tests or treatments.
For females, if your eggs are to small or few, the doctors may give you medication to help make them grow to an ideal size to make conception more likely. But whether your body responds correctly to the initial dosage that they give you is completely out of your control. If your cycles are completely unpredictable, then it makes it even more difficult for the doctors to determine when is a good time for you to begin certain medications or begin certain injections. It's completely out of your control.
After several months of testing and trying to control when my body did certain things, it became completely frustrating and I felt like I had no idea what to do to get my body to cooperate.
That's when it hit me, I realized that through this continuous struggle I had completely lost control. I no longer had a firm grip on what was going on with my body, I was no longer able to control how quickly or slowly things would happen. I mean, I know I never really had control to begin with, but before infertility I really felt like I was able to control or at least predict exactly when things were going to happen. It was just way more apparent this time and really made me come to terms with the fact that I truly do not have control over my life, that everything in our lives is completely out of our control and in God's hands.
Coming to this epiphany brought a wave of peace over me. Being reminded that even though our infertility is completely out of our hands, but is in God's control made me feel so much more relaxed. Although our infertility continues to be something out of our control, and at times completely frustrating, I am constantly reminded of the many other times I was not in control of a situation and God had made it work for the better. That in every situation I could remember, good or bad, God took care of me and did not let me down. Losing control of this major issue turned out to be another unexpected lesson from God; we are truly never in complete control. And that's okay, because if we let God be in complete control it will always work our for our benefit whether or not it is apparent to us at that time.
For females, if your eggs are to small or few, the doctors may give you medication to help make them grow to an ideal size to make conception more likely. But whether your body responds correctly to the initial dosage that they give you is completely out of your control. If your cycles are completely unpredictable, then it makes it even more difficult for the doctors to determine when is a good time for you to begin certain medications or begin certain injections. It's completely out of your control.
After several months of testing and trying to control when my body did certain things, it became completely frustrating and I felt like I had no idea what to do to get my body to cooperate.
That's when it hit me, I realized that through this continuous struggle I had completely lost control. I no longer had a firm grip on what was going on with my body, I was no longer able to control how quickly or slowly things would happen. I mean, I know I never really had control to begin with, but before infertility I really felt like I was able to control or at least predict exactly when things were going to happen. It was just way more apparent this time and really made me come to terms with the fact that I truly do not have control over my life, that everything in our lives is completely out of our control and in God's hands.
Coming to this epiphany brought a wave of peace over me. Being reminded that even though our infertility is completely out of our hands, but is in God's control made me feel so much more relaxed. Although our infertility continues to be something out of our control, and at times completely frustrating, I am constantly reminded of the many other times I was not in control of a situation and God had made it work for the better. That in every situation I could remember, good or bad, God took care of me and did not let me down. Losing control of this major issue turned out to be another unexpected lesson from God; we are truly never in complete control. And that's okay, because if we let God be in complete control it will always work our for our benefit whether or not it is apparent to us at that time.
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