For whatever reason, this past month has been just plain difficult for me both emotionally and physically. I thought I was beginning to return to normal in the sense that I was able to be around babies without instantly tearing up. I also thought that the unexplained chronic pain I have was beginning to taper off and was finally under control. Apparently I was wrong on both accounts. Being in a job where you are constantly interacting with the public and with individuals of all ages means that you become numb to certain things in order to do your job. I was really hoping that being forced to being around families with babies would help me to become happy around babies again. Before we were officially diagnosed with infertility I loved being around babies. I loved everything about them, and just seeing their adorable faces could turn my day around. That was part of the reason why I decided to become a full time nanny.
Now whenever I am in the same space as a baby I have to fight hard to choke back tears of complete sadness. It's a constant reminder of the fact that we will likely never have a baby or child of our own. This isn't to say that I dislike kids or babies and that I never want to be around them period, I still love children of all ages. And I am still trying to hold on to the microscopic shred of hope that I will be able to bear children someday. It just means that right now in this point of time I have a really difficult time continuing to separate the thoughts of "that should have been us" or "why are we still childless" from being around a baby. There have been times where I've been incredibly grateful for the fact that I have to wear sunglasses most of the time at work because then the visitors and my colleagues aren't able to see the tears beginning to slip out of my eyes.
To make matters worse, my chronic pain that once was thought to be endometriosis has come back with full force. It was manageable for a few months now which made me hopeful that I finally had it under control. Apparently I was wrong. The 'phantom pains', as the doctor calls it, have also returned on the side where one of my ovaries is missing. Sometimes the pain just shows up suddenly like a sharp knife is being thrust into my side and abdomen. The doctors still have no idea what or why I keep getting these pains, which is why they continue to diagnose them as chronic or phantom pains. I'm also thankful that I have doctors who understand that I only speak up about being in pain when it's at its absolute worst. They know that I don't exaggerate what I'm feeling.
In an effort to refocus and re-energize myself I started to practice yoga again. With the new job and work schedule I accidentally let yoga slip out of my routine. I also started to journal again, for me writing down my thoughts and prayers has always been incredibly therapeutic. I'm hoping that adding these two things back into my daily routine will help me mentally process everything in a positive way.
Now whenever I am in the same space as a baby I have to fight hard to choke back tears of complete sadness. It's a constant reminder of the fact that we will likely never have a baby or child of our own. This isn't to say that I dislike kids or babies and that I never want to be around them period, I still love children of all ages. And I am still trying to hold on to the microscopic shred of hope that I will be able to bear children someday. It just means that right now in this point of time I have a really difficult time continuing to separate the thoughts of "that should have been us" or "why are we still childless" from being around a baby. There have been times where I've been incredibly grateful for the fact that I have to wear sunglasses most of the time at work because then the visitors and my colleagues aren't able to see the tears beginning to slip out of my eyes.
To make matters worse, my chronic pain that once was thought to be endometriosis has come back with full force. It was manageable for a few months now which made me hopeful that I finally had it under control. Apparently I was wrong. The 'phantom pains', as the doctor calls it, have also returned on the side where one of my ovaries is missing. Sometimes the pain just shows up suddenly like a sharp knife is being thrust into my side and abdomen. The doctors still have no idea what or why I keep getting these pains, which is why they continue to diagnose them as chronic or phantom pains. I'm also thankful that I have doctors who understand that I only speak up about being in pain when it's at its absolute worst. They know that I don't exaggerate what I'm feeling.
In an effort to refocus and re-energize myself I started to practice yoga again. With the new job and work schedule I accidentally let yoga slip out of my routine. I also started to journal again, for me writing down my thoughts and prayers has always been incredibly therapeutic. I'm hoping that adding these two things back into my daily routine will help me mentally process everything in a positive way.
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